Relationships

Definition Of Family: Core Values For Building A Family

Family

Family is unity, we become family through unity. There will be no unity if respect and loyalty are absent.

Respect and loyalty turns strangers to partners and friends to family.

People used the words “I love you” too often to give you the misleading impression that they care.

My friend, words are free and they don’t require much effort, but actions cost a lot and they require effort.

Words don’t define love, actions do…

Love is hard to maintain because it requires so much that people end up just falling out because they can’t keep up or qualify.

A lot of people in marriages, relationships, friendships don’t really qualify, they just got lucky because they met someone who has no clue what love is and what it requires.

Love requires integrity, loyalty, respect, sacrifice, commitment, responsibility, accountability, and so on.

All those qualities are rooted deep in respect and loyalty. How much can I love you if have no respect or loyalty for you? Love is formed through mutual respect and unbreakable loyalty.

Be careful with the people in your family and the people you interact with on daily basis.

Forget about their charisma and charm; forget about their profession and what they have, but look for qualities stated above.

If they are lack those qualities, then they are not your family, and they are certainly not your friends.

Don’t be ignorant

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Nothing in all the world is more dangerous than sincere ignorance and conscientious stupidity. – Martin Luther King Jr

The one common problem that most of us have is simply: ignorance.

There’s nothing wrong with people, people are just people, and they behave according human nature.

Life would be fun if only we accepted nature and lived within the truth.

But, we hate the truth, we discount it, and we ignore it.

We want things to be as we wish, we enjoy the fantasy, and that’s why we waste so much time and energy trying to change things that were meant to be avoided.

Your family for instance, there are some people in your family that are there just as an addition to the equation, they are just a number, and they have no desire, nor interest in contributing or building anything meaningful with you or the rest of the family.

You don’t have to hate them or disown them, but you have to avoid them at all cost.

God gave us separate lives and bodies for a damn good reason: we get to choose who we want to be around, and who we don’t.

The saying: “you don’t choose family” is bullshit.” It is just an excuse to tolerate intolerable behaviors.

You can choose family.

I consider anyone who has integrity, loyalty, and respect as family.

Family is just a “title” used as way to obtain certain privileges without having to earn them just like everybody else.

Things like asking for money, borrowing shit, and the endless conflicts caused by the sense of entitlement most families have over another member’s wealth or possessions.

You’ve earned what you have… let them earn what they want.

Your worst enemy

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Your most dangerous and unpredictable enemy is the one in your family.

The enemy outside can’t destroy you unless he/she has the aid of a jealous and envious member in your family.

Just because two people came same woman, it doesn’t mean they are bound to remain a piece even if one  wishes nothing but the worst for the other.

The bible warned us about this: Kane killed his own brother.

I don’t believe Kane and Abel existed, but I know that the story was meant to serve as a warning: what we can expect from some people in our family or experience at some point in our lives.

You can avoid situations that have the potential to cause pain and heartache, if you only take to heart the lessons the bible (the manual of life) teaches us.

The Manual of life

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Most religious people read the bible but they never learn a thing from it.

They only use it to manipulate and control, and most of them don’t even believe in the same God they praise.

I view the bible as a manual of life.

Most of the information in it has nothing to do with religion or right and wrong, but it teaches us the fundamentals of survival.

The bible teaches us in many ways, how we can avoid drama, betrayal, deception, and maybe our own death.

If i was like the rest of the people who perceive the bible as just a book for religion, i wouldn’t be here today.

I grew up in a big family, and I love most of the members of my family, but I trust none of them because most of them have the very same traits (red-flags) the bible warned me about.

Note: In part two of this article, I tell you why you should only avoid them instead of cutting them off completely.

Most of them are not bad, but they are just weak when it comes to judgment of character, the choices and decisions they make.

I don’t even trust myself, I make bad choices sometimes, and most of the decisions I make come from my weakness, that’s why I can’t trust myself or anyone else who’s human in nature.

Character

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“Simplicity of character is no hindrance to subtlety of intellect.” – Life of Gladstone (1903) vol. 1, p. 194

No one has to be perfect, but we can be simple in character.

It’s easy to spot bad people in your family: observe their character and combine it with their words and actions.

If they have a lot to hide and less to give…  avoid them.

No matter how friendly and nice they are, they always have an ulterior motive.

A person can only pretend for so long, and if you have a sharp eye, you will see through the shade.

Don’t make the mistake of trusting just about anyone in your family without  evaluating their character.

Character is important because it is the determining factor of success in any relationship.

Failing to screen for character flaws leads to situations where you find yourself being used, taken advantage of, or killed by the same folks you call family.

It’s your duty to screen and select those individuals that have what it takes to build meaningful relationships with—family or not.

You can’t build anything meaningful with anyone who lacks integrity, loyalty, and respect.

Always do what’s best for you, and not what’s beneficial for your family: tough love is the answer.

Tough Love

Giving your family tough love is a way to teach your family responsibility, accountability, and discipline.

Though harsh it may seem, it’s the only way to encourage them to grow and mature because somehow, not everyone can grow and mature on their own, they need that tough love.

Tough love is true love.

Tough love brings the best out of reasonable people and the worst out of irrational and delusional people.

If your tough love offends some them, then your love won’t make them better people or make them appreciate you.

They will use your genuine love as a “fix” or form of validation they demand from you without appreciation.

Good things are for people who earn them, not for those who feel entitle to them.

Tough love doesn’t give a damn about feelings; it is only concerned about things that matter like disciple, boundaries, responsibility, accountability etc.

Such qualities are required for building a healthy family.

Discipline

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Discipline builds order in a family. You have to discipline each an every person in your family without controlling them.

The only thing you should control is your own personal space. Anyone who wants to be part of your life should be disciplined enough to respect you.

By discipline, I don’t imply dictatorship, what i mean is simple, if you don’t want anyone to do xyz in your presence or in your home, then you shouldn’t let anyone cross that line—including your family.

Discipline come from self-respect, and you cannot be disciplined and set rules you are not willing to obey yourself—be disciplined and lead by example.

Setting boundaries

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You should set boundaries on how much access your family has when it comes to you money and resources.

Giving unlimited access your family to your money and other resources is bad because not every one of them will be as disciplined and responsible as you are.

Your money and your resources should be off limits.

Never make it too easy for your family or anyone to get anything for free from you.

Make them “earn” every single favor.

In this way, you teach them fundamental rule: nothing is for free.

“There’s no such thing as a free meal… someone has to pay for it.” – Earl nightingale

Setting boundaries helps you evaluate the people in your family.

Boundaries force people to reveal who they really are and how much they respect and appreciate it you.

Anyone who really cares about you will not feel be offended by your boundaries, instead they’ll respect you for setting those boundaries.

People who get offended by your boundaries are the irresponsible ones, the ones who don’t want to be held accountable for their own actions.

Distance yourself from such family members—they don’t have your best interest.

Building a healthy support system

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To build a healthy support system, you have to look for potential first.

Any support system, no matter how powerful it is, won’t work if whoever it is catered for has no potential to change.

It is always best to invest your time in anyone who shows potential. You will not succeed in helping anyone who doesn’t have the potential to help himself/herself.

For example, If you brother is a drug addict and has no intentions to get clean, then supporting him and encouraging him to get clean won’t help at all.

He has to make that decision first, and then when you see his efforts to quit, then that’s where you jump in and help as much as you can, but not more than he’s willing to help himself.

You should support his potential, in this way, you allow him to grow and mature on his own while you help him where he really needs.

We’re all capable, and we all brains for a reason.

Allow people to use their brains… If they won’t, then why should you even try?

Until next time…

– Emmanuel Morewa

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